Joe Blogs

 I was making chilli sauce yesterday with three quarters of a blender full of fresh chilli from the garden, fresh garlic and basil (also from the garden), red grapefruit, three tablespoons of black pepper along with a few other ingredients...

I blended this semi lethal concoction until I had achieved a pourable consistency, removed the lid off the blender to observer the quiet chemical reaction of gases slowly bubbling to the surface reminding me of the mud pools at Rotorua, but fortunately not with the same smell.

With glass receptacles ready and my trusty funnel ready I started pouring the seething liquid into bottle number one.

Because I had so much sauce I chose a large bottle, inserted the funnel and began pouring and that's when it happened!

Not one, but two splashes of this sauce splashed off the edge of the funnel and went directly into both my eyes. The pain was immediate, intense and blinding. In one hand I held the bottle and the other the blender jug. Through the pain I had to get both the bottle and blender jug with a slightly unstable base to the edge of the sink to make sure not a drop of this precious sauce that I had taken ages to prepare was lost.

Even if I could use my hands to wash my eyes, I had been destemming over 100 hot chillies and we know that without about a dozen washes, contact with sensitive areas also leads to an immediate reaction.

Having secured the sauce, I blindly stumbled upstairs and into the shower which I used as a massive eye wash.

I need to add that I was not stoically silent through this... Helen thought there was a wounded buffalo lumbering through the house although Joe took it all in his stride and simply stepped aside.

Eyes washed and pain subsiding; I looked in the mirror to see two of the reddest eyes staring back at me... It's fair to say they looked like the eyes of a person participating in a herbal experiment at Woodstock.

So now I know what it is like to be on the wrong side of a riot cordon in Europe when the capsicum spray is deployed...

But most importantly - how was the sauce?

Needs more salt...

This entry was posted on November 14, 2011 at 8:33 AM and has received 90 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

In my previous post I introduced Vegemite the Movie. The link pointed to part one, or actually the prequel to main event. This movie shot at 10,000 feet using one take without script was a piece of wonderful foolishness that I am so glad we created.

I now present "Makan with Dan and Mark" or "Dining with Dan and Mark" - also shot entirely on location in Papua West.

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This entry was posted on December 28, 2010 at 1:08 PM and has received 266 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

 About six or seven years ago when I worked in Freeport, a mine in West Papua, a few of us wanted to make a movie that highlighted the impressive scenery in this region. We mulled over the topic of this movie for a period of time before deciding on making it an educational cooking film with a twist. We were going to teach people how to make a vegemite sandwich.

Our point of difference was that we would make this vegemite sandwich at 10000 feet above sea level on the side of a mountain range that rises to over 15,000 feet, twice the height of Australia's tallest mountain.

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This entry was posted on December 28, 2010 at 7:14 AM and has received 279 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

This entry was posted on July 3, 2009 at 10:21 PM and has received 305 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

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This entry was posted on June 5, 2009 at 8:49 PM and has received 255 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

Well the TEFC has made page three of the NT News despite a fridge raiding crocodile story, the Darwin show and some little election campaign that seems to be going on. http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2008/07/26/4808_ntnews.html

I am now convinced that in a week or so a picture of the aircraft known as the flying egg will appear in the NT news...  "Flying Sperm Sighted over Noonamah"

Just remember if you do outland somewhere and meet someone - start off by saying "Greetings Earthlings" and all will be good. Do not answer questions on probing of any kind - especially if it involves parts of the body. Finally, make sure you hide your antennae before people see you.

May the farce be with you... nanoo nanoo

PS - Of course I was misquoted in the NT News, but I would feel out of place if I wasn't.

This entry was posted on July 26, 2008 at 10:43 AM and has received 335 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

As part of our certificate IV in Training and Assessment we need to demonstrate that we can coach. I have chosen the making of a crepe using a crepe machine focussing on the difficult skill of thinly swirling the batter onto the skillet with the supplied implement.

Remembering back to a similar training video where Dan and I taught the masses how to make a vegemite sandwich at 10,000 feet and then 15,000 feet above sea level, I decided to try making a Vegemite Crepe. The results surprised even me.

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This entry was posted on June 5, 2008 at 7:54 AM and has received 475 views. There are currently 1 comments. Print this entry.

So, 4 years ago... or maybe, was it, um... approaching 6 now!, anyway you were travelling around a bit, arrived in Darwin and liked the look,
feel and smell so you stopped in for a beer. Now you have a mortgage, a dog with some dingo in it called jessie and you have become Darwinised.

You know you're a Darwinite when...

you accuse anything new of being a southern idea and doubt it will last

you talk about the weather like you work for the Bureau of Meteorology... look at you predicting it won't rain till November. Well
done Einstein!

you don't indicate when driving

you thumb your nose at actually obeying the law

you have developed an intense mistrust of any form of authority

you freak out when the traffic lights change from red to flashing orange and curse the adoption of southern rules

your response to a surprising comment from your colleague is to make a bizarre, positively inflected statement-cum-question such as "oh, true?"

you accuse anyone new up here of being a soft southerner who will probably not be able to 'hack-it' up here

you get excited when your friend goes 'south' and the highlight of their trip is visiting Myer

you get insanely confused at the difference between territory and national politics with a snowflakes-chance-in-you-know-where of actually
being able to name the chief minister (note - it's now Hendo)

you end your friendship with your mate for knowing the answer to the chief minister question

you get the shakes from not having your Paul's 600mL iced coffee in the morning

you crack the s**ts when it takes you more than 15 minutes to get to work

you are sick of "wicked" vans in the Woolworths carpark

you have been confronted by the pigeon lady

you recognise the independent motor mart guy, Adrian from Carla furnishings or Johnno out having a beer

you have no idea what's happening on Big Brother

you have no idea about water conservation... why would you? It rains 6 months of the year!

you have "texted the editor" in the NT news

you are or know someone in the defence force

your group of friends changes every few years as people migrate "down south"

you know the kid that says "and Dad's great deals"

you know "Envirogirl"

you don't go out for coffee, you go out for a beer

the ad for 'top end fishing world' and 'trade tools direct' don't s**t you to tears any more, furthermore you can remember what these stores
used to be called

the term "fantabulous" makes you cringe

you buy Heliconias and plastic replica ginger flowers at Parap markets on a Saturday morning after eating prawn satay

you crack the s**ts about paying $3.60 for all-day CBD parking within 1.5 minutes walk to work

you consider $150 per person per week absolutely outrageous rental prices and curse the southern landlord hypothesising that due to their
failing southern economies they have created an amazing system of syphoning money out of successful Darwin economies

the NT News seems to be edgy journalism, well written and thoughtful.
What's more is that it no longer feels like your brain is shrivelling up with the intake of every poorly written story.

you think Wicking gives a fairly well balanced satirical commentary on these crazy modern times in the NT and you no longer notice that he
denotes indigenous people using carefully crafted cross-hatching... not only do you not notice it anymore, you don't think there's anything
wrong with it!

you NEVER go to Mitchell St

you NEVER go to Kakadu

having to pay $50 for a carton of beer hasn't curbed your drinking habits, in fact your need for beer has been exacerbated by the place

the thought of driving in a tunnel makes you uneasy

you don't think 'brus' is the most stupid word in the world, actually, you may have used it once or twice

you know what gamon means

you actually truly believe that every bloke from Sydney is gay (or that going to Throb could turn you gay)

although Tropical Cyclones are known to be possibly the most destructive storms in the world, you decide that getting plastered is a responsible way to manage the storm

although Tropical Cyclones are known to be possibly the most destructive storms in the world, you are upset when they miss Darwin

although Tropical Cyclones are known to be possibly the most destructive storms in the world, you confront the thought of it actually hitting
Darwin with ambivalence and neglect to prepare until the very last minute

at the very last minute with a cyclone imminent you actually go and attempt to buy some water (at night, in a suburb where your other
'NT-hardened' friends won't see you 'fretting like a southern nancy-boy'), you are confronted with a pretty sorry scene in the water aisles as the southerners who are here stealing your jobs and women bought it all the day before. Disappointed you sulk back to your landcruiser past the shelves brimming with soda water empty-handed.
TIP:
Next time buy the soda water - it's just water with bubbles in it (and I'm not talking about beer)

you no longer use the term 'ute' and have replaced it with 'trayback'

for some bizarre reason you have decided not to eat locally grown, fresh, juicy mangoes anymore available the day they have come off the
tree. Instead you look forward to when Woolies sell the stonefruits trucked frozen from 'Australia's fruitbowl' approximately 9 full days
and nights drive away. Furthermore you parody southerners who come here and go crazy about the availability and low price of the mangoes,
responding with comments such as, 'yeah, I don't really like them' (don't forget to say that with a laconic NT drawl!)

although you may have a good education, you have decided that the ending of most verbs should be changed from the common -ing to the alternate -in' e.g. fishing becomes fishin' and etc.

you are upset at the lack of world class facilities in Darwin and the lack of touring bands and sporting teams as if you haven't considered
that less than 0.5% of Australia's population lives here

you whinge about $20 parking fines

although the location of all speed cameras in Darwin are in the paper every morning, you still manage to get booked often

you don't know the speed limit on Bagot Rd

you go to the end of a merging lane, stop and then hesitate over every half gap. the whole merging process is aborted until the lights go red up the road

you are the last remaining person in Australia to insist on using excellent quality, potable water to keep your driveway free of leaves
season wet and dry. You think this is justifiable

you know what PINTs are

And finally...

you don't know why it's a Territory, what this means to its residents, or why it can't be a state, yet you would march to the anti-statehood
protest at Brown's Mart holding signage suggesting the southern conformists are just trying another way of stealing your individuality,
fearful that we may all be driving in tunnels to our $50 per-minute car parks in a place where the temperature is actually bearable.

For those who don't know me - I was born in Darwin in 1961 and whoever wrote this is correct!

This entry was posted on April 16, 2008 at 11:22 AM and has received 354 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

Hello, my name is Jason and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Wagga Wagga with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?  How stupid are you?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!" What a load of crap.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Bounty.

Screw'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive five cents from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life,  delete it. If  it's funny, send it on.  Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if  you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.  Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks.

This entry was posted on January 16, 2008 at 3:53 PM and has received 307 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.